2001-11-05 - 5:09 p.m.

this is the first time i have come home right after opening in awhile.

i am mad because she does not even seem to care.

i am mad because i know she never would of told me if i did not find out for myself.

i am mad because she only explained why after i broke down and said "so you didnt hang out with kevin, sara and andrew last night"

even then she seemed to only care because i did. i wonder if she ever thought it was wrong while saying it.

i feel naive for feeling bad because she was stuck at home with nothing to do.

i feel stupid for thinking that maybe i should stay home too.

last night i looked at it realistically. i figured i would be mad for awhile she would call and apologize and then i would forget about it. i am still waiting for that call. even if she does how will i know it was not because of reading the lines in this entry. i do not want a bland heartless aim conversation. it makes me wonder if she really even wants anybody. the message i am getting is eh, i'll wait if he calls he calls otherwise i'll just move on. i mean she broke up with her ex-boyfriend six months ago and she still can not get over him. she still freaks out everytime she sees him and still can not use his name in conversations.

oh yeah i forgot to mention the reason she gave me for not wanting to call me was, because she went to the show to see her ex-boyfriend. after seeing him she felt "wierd" and did not want to see me.

dont get me wrong i do not hate her or anything even yesterday when i was procrastinating on the way to her room, i procrastinated my way into three k-marts looking for plates.

sara called me this morning, it was actually really sweet. thank you sara.

other news my brother is in the hospital. complications in surgery so they moved him to the icu because whenever he goes to sleep he stops breathing and it is hard to stay awake pumped with anesthetics. so they have him connected to respirators.

too much drama, way more than i need. it all makes me so tired. this makes me appreciate sleep. you dont feel anything when you are asleep. its like an eight hour break from life and it's emotions.

previous - next