2001-10-22 - 3:04 a.m.

ugh cant sleep

i'm getting that feeling in my stomach that i get whenever i have been awake for long period of time

i think it's digesting itself and moving on to my muscles.

been thinking, well thats all i ever do after three hours of staring at the ceiling you can find lots of stuff to write about only writing it requires you to get up which confirms the fact that tonight you will get no sleep.

three a.m insight hitting me again. funny why dont i ever get this way when it matters?

reading old entries made me realize that i never explained why i got all crappy that one day and pissed julie off, plus since i think she probally checks this thing every once in a while i might as well explain myself and put it out of the way, since i actually owed it to her a long time ago but once again i wussed out and kept it to myself. but that is the point of this diary kind of, to type out all the crap that i keep to myself.

i can basically sum up the catalyst in one small paragraph.

"We've actually never been on a "date." We get together every once in a while to have sex, and talk on the phone sometimes. We used to talk a lot...but lately, not so much...more like 15 minutes a day"

i know that you may think you know why this made me all weird i call it weird because there was no particular emotion involved only the fact that my defenses shot up. so i looked for a way out.

the fact is this bothered me because combined with all the other stuff lead me to conclude that she was only looking for someone to love her, and it didnt matter who it was.

i think it was the fact that i thought that she was so damaged that she would allow some guy to see her for the sole purpose of sex then never call her until the next "date" by date i mean sex. ha. basically it was used and i thought that maybe she only did this because he gave her what she felt she was missing by not being in a relationship.

i realized like not even 24 hours later how stupid and hypocritical even thinking that was.

i'm the one who used yell about people getting all whiny because their boyfriends didnt like them in high school. my theory was that its fucking high school. we were like 17 years old who the hell cares about monotony? you dont need to go through the formalities of a relationship in high school when the goal in high school was sex. you should just be glad that relationships are so easy.

yeah, i know that instead of going through any of the high school relationship bullshit i just distanced myself away from basically everybody. i talked to all my friends but they were never more than just friends.

well anyway, then i realized that reading all her entries that every guy she has ever been with treated her like shit basically, maybe not in the beginning but always in the end. and by saying that i was being the asshole. i dont want to be another one to add to her shitty boyfriend list.

as of yet though i have no complaints. every time i hang out with her i realize how damn cool she is and wonder how she ever wanted anything to do with me. i should be so lucky just to have her to call my girlfriend. she makes me excited about school too, its odd. plus she makes me happy, not normal happy but giddy schoolgirl er school guy whatever

other than that no news, eric just got online and i havent talked to him in forever.

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